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Should I leave my rude and crude boyfriend?

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Reader Question:

Ok, so i know you get a million emails about this but I’m having issues with my boyfriend. He has stopped respecting me, he is rude and crude and does things that are inappropriate. He ditches me and makes me feel bad about it. All my friends tell me to ditch him, but I love him. What should I do? He just doesn’t treat me how I deserve, and I feel like I deserve to be treated how he used to treat me… P.S. It’s been 9 months and we were seeing each other for 6 months before that. Thanks for your help!

Kate says:
 
Here’s the short version of this response: RUN.  This guy is treating you like this (incidentally, ‘this’ is an anagram for another word that could easily fit in this sentence) for one very simple reason: because he can.  Your boyfriend has learned that he doesn’t have to be nice, thoughtful, or respectful of you because when he is mean, thoughtless, and rude, you stay.  Why do you stay?—I have no idea, but you need to explore yourself and figure it out, lest you ditch this guy for the exact same type with a different name and perhaps a different watch.
In other words, you WILL repeat this pattern unless you figure out what is attracting you to connections built on pillars of pain and drama.  I know it can be so difficult to leave people we feel attached to, but honestly, it’s time to be an adult and assert some real standards upon yourself and your relationships.  Take the time to consider what you want from a person, and then give yourself as much of those things as you can (Kaneisha’s forthcoming book will help you more with this idea of self-love, so get it!).
There’s not much else to say here, another person can only do so much, the work to be happy and fulfilled is really done within ourselves.
xoxo
Kate

 

How Dating a (Way) Younger Kazan Guy Helped Me Get My Groove Back

 

Usually I meet Kazan girls on Loveawake,” Dan* said.  “Then I insult them until they cry.”  This was his opening line on our first date, drinks at a dive bar.

The mutual acquaintance that had set us up touted Dan as everything I wanted: smart, interesting, kind. Perhaps my acquaintance had lost his dictionary.

Things deteriorated quickly.  I told Dan he was creeping me out. “I’m obviously joking,” he scoffed. Then he asked if I wanted to do shots.

I thought, I am twenty-nine years old.  All my friends are getting married.  I live alone with two cats, one of whom pees on me while I sleep.  (“It’s an affection thing,” my vet says cheerfully.)  I go on zillions of dates, and they are all with Dan. 

How is this my life?

As I turned to leave, I noticed a cute guy sitting with his friends. I had nothing to lose and zero fucks to give, so I sauntered over and said hi. “I’m Corey*,” he replied, flashing a confident smile.  “Can I buy you a drink?”  We talked until closing.

That weekend, Corey took me to dinner. The chemistry was crazy – we were finishing each other’s sentences, holding hands across the table. Despite our different backgrounds, we had a lot in common: our love of art, our commitment to personal growth, our close bonds with our families.

“My little brother’s my best friend,” I declared.  “I mean, he’s almost 26, but he’ll always be my little brother.”

Corey furrowed his brow.  “He’s your younger brother?”

“Yeah.”  I was confused by his disbelief – I hadn’t said anything particularly surprising.

And then it hit me.

“Wait,” I blurted, suddenly terrified.  “How old are you?”

“I’m twenty-two,” he said.

Twenty-two years old. I was at dinner a guy who was younger than the Internet. He said he would understand if I couldn’t stomach the age difference, but it didn’t bother him.

I said I’d think about it.

It seemed obvious that I shouldn’t see Corey again.  I’d been twenty-two once and I’d “dated” twenty-two-year olds then – i.e., had sloppy drunken sex on or against Ikea furniture.

And after nearly a decade of playing “Who’s the Hottest Person I Can Get to Sleep With Me?” (a great game, while it lasted), I was determined to finally take dating seriously.  I wanted to meet someone I could have a deep, fulfilling relationship with, someone who could inspire me to be my best self.

Up until now, though, my search for such a person yielded mostly different varieties of Dan.  Dan the lawyer.  Dan the teacher.  Dan the finance analyst-turned-transcendental meditation guru.

The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like I should give Corey a chance, and my happily married girlfriends agreed.  “He’s gotta be so fit and virile,” one of them sighed.  “All the rest of us get these days is dadbod, assuming we’re not too tired.”  The others nodded solemnly.  “Besides, it’s not so bad. The guy has a job and he can legally drink.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “but he still can’t rent a car.”

I called him back anyway, and we went to dinner again.  Afterwards, we made out furiously against what we thought was the outside wall of the restaurant but was actually an opaque window.

I didn’t care.  I wanted him.  Badly.  It was a feeling I hadn’t had in a while.             

In truth, not every guy I’d dated recently was a Dan. Some had been, in a way, even worse: Wonderful But Boring. The Kazan guy who is kind and intelligent and would clearly be a loving partner but who, for whatever reason, doesn’t turn you on. Oh it’s you, you think when he texts, sliding your phone back into your purse untouched.  I wonder if the dry cleaner is still open, you think as he smashes his mouth against yours. Time and time again, I had hoped that I would eventually become attracted to such men, but I never did.  You can’t force desire, no matter how hard you try.

When we got to my apartment, Corey was awed by everything: how nice my furniture was, that I had a paintings on the walls, that I actually used my kitchen.

I, for one, was awed by his perfect body and his cleanly shaved pubes (the latter I had no opinion on, but it was certainly different).  “Is that what the kids do these days?” I asked.

He didn’t bother to answer.

I could tell you that we had incredible sex three times that night because my twenty-nine-year-old confidence and his youthful ardor were a great match (true), or because he was working extra hard to please me (also true).  But that would suggest that I think you should go out and bag the first fresh-out-of-college-aged guy you see, and that seems imprudent.  As I recall, Ikea furniture breaks easily.

My involvement with Corey is still new, and I have no idea whether it will sustain itself over time. We’re at different points in our careers and our personal lives.

But I already know that, whatever happens, this will have been an important experience for me. I’m rediscovering what it means to enjoy dating someone, to be both attracted and intellectually engaged.  If Corey occasionally makes me roll my eyes (“Love Actually is one of my favorite movies”), he also surprises me with his insight (“It’s amazing how Kazan people willfully misunderstand feminism so they have an excuse to be against it”) – and frankly, isn’t that everyone?

So I’m reserving judgment and having fun.  And if I ultimately want to do those shots at the bar, I know Dan’ll be there, lime in hand.

*Names changed to protect the (young and) innocent.

Find The Love Of Your Life

Would you like to find the love of your life, but you don't want to settle for just anyone? Do people tell you that you are too choosy when it comes to meeting and dating a potential romance?

One of my clients got divorced several years ago. As the breakup crisis settled down and she moved into her new life, she remarked, “Thank heavens, I never have to go camping again!”

Whatever the dynamics were in her former marriage, for some reason, she felt it was her duty to participate in something she hated. Consequently, as she searches to find the love of her life, she looks to see if a potential date has absolutely everything in common with her.

Two things have happened as a result of her rigid approach: she found a few men on the internet who met all of her criteria, but when she saw them face to face, she didn’t like them; and, she can’t find anyone else to date. She is convinced that there isn't anyone out there for her.

I told her I knew it was hard work to find the love of your life, but that there was someone trying to find her, as she was trying to find him. I reassured her that just because you haven’t found him yet doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist.

She continued, “Yeah, but I can’t find anyone who likes to do everything that I do.”

I told my client that she would increase the likelihood of meeting someone if she could keep an open mind and an open heart. You need to consider people who may not be the type you have always imagined when looking for the love of your life.

If you are finding a short supply of people to date, consider the following:

Think carefully before you put labels on what you want people to be.

Is the color of someone’s hair, how much they weigh, or how tall they are a non-negotiable requirement, a need, or a want? The same could be said for their age, how much money they earn, or their years of formal education. Do they have to live in your city, or can they be within a 500-mile radius, or can they be from anywhere?

Shared interests are important, but are all of the ones that you have in mind absolute musts?

Often, just several shared interests are more than enough to give you a focus around which to relate. There is no rule written that says you must do EVERYTHING together. Let go of that self-imposed limiting thought and new doors will open for you.

Keep the net wide open when you are telling friends you’d like to meet someone.

Do not thwart the possibilities of who they can bring to you with specific criteria unless it is a totally necessary requirement. Tell your friends you would like to meet someone wonderful, and leave it at that. There is no doubt that chemistry is vital, but you and your friends can’t know if that is going to be there until you meet the person. Relationships that last have the qualities that endure, such as kindness, intelligence, honesty, patience, and vibrancy.

Accept the fact that after the age of 35, most people come with a history of relationships and other responsibilities.

You may have to stretch yourself in order to fit or accept this reality. However, if you can keep your heart open, you may find these challenges to be your new blessings and ultimately find the love of your life.

My father used to say, “There’s a lid for every pot.” There is someone out there for you. They may not look exactly the way you thought they would, but you don’t have to go camping with them either if you don’t want to. They are waiting nevertheless.

 

BBW Guide: How To Marry A Millionaire

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake dating site© Copyright 2010-2020. All rights reserved.

Do you want to marry a millionaire? If you could find someone with all the qualities you are looking for in a mate, would you care if they were rich?

I had a BBW classmate in college who was fascinating. She was very plain looking, was a poor student, had no discernable talents, and could sometimes be sarcastic. Obviously, that is not what made her interesting. Her entire focus was on finding and marrying a millionaire. I seriously doubted she could do it, but I watched her strategies from the sidelines.

What I didn't know then that I do know now that I am a dating coach is that even though she was not very attractive, her chances of marrying a millionaire were excellent. Why? Because she did the following:

How To Marry A Millionaire

BBW knows what she wanted.

Learning how to marry a millionaire was her mission in life. I thought it was Mission Impossible. I saw her get rejected over and over. But she was focused on her goal.

She has scouts.

Finding and marrying a millionaire takes scouts working with you and for you. She had an impressive network of people helping her look for someone, starting with her mother and father, and including her extended family and her friends.

BBW show up at millionaire sites.

If you want to marry a millionaire, you have to go to where the millionaires are. She went to places where she could identify her potential candidates. She was on a college campus where she could look for someone who met that requirement. She went to parties, conferences, and even on some blind dates that were set up for her by her friends.

She was not afraid to approach people she did not know.

If you want to marry rich, you have to show up and be friendly. She would constantly design new ways to meet the guys who had the "right" qualifications. She knew where they would be on specific days and times, and made a plan to get near them, start a conversation, and invite them for coffee.

BBW ignored her critics.

Lots of people made fun of this girl but she was invincible. She seemed impervious to their criticism.

She never give up.

She never lost sight of her goal. Some people want to be a doctor. Some want to be an astronaut. This girl wanted to marry a millionaire.

I am sure it is no surprise that she did meet and marry her millionaire. Further, they fit the description of many millionaire couples, which is, they are still together. Nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, but only one-third of millionaire couples get divorced. The reason is that both the man and the woman make conscious choices, and while they also choose people who are attractive to them, they place more value on other characteristics such as intelligence, sincerity, cheerfulness, reliability, and affection.

You may not need to marry a millionaire, but you can use the above qualities to bring you what you want. You can do it.

 

Too Shy To Date

Dear Alex,

I am a single thirty-five year old big guy who would like to meet other big singles and date. But I am shy. I do not know how to carry on a good conversation. I have always been an introvert and avoided crowds because I don't know what to say. Do you know any methods to help me think of things to say during the conversation?

Shy Guy

 

Dear Shy,

Being shy can be a huge obstacle to meeting people. It's painful and often embarrassing. The problem all shy people face is this: the people you are trying to talk to think you don't like them. Most folks are so insecure, it never occurs to them that the reason you don't carry on a conversation is because--you're shy.

I once had a client who was shy to the extreme. If she had to talk to strangers, her voice broke, she became breathless, and she ran to the bathroom and cried. I am happy to report that she conquered this condition. This is what we worked on:

Go to a mall or a store.

The first step to losing your shyness is to get out of the house. Several times a week, go to a mall. Choose a different store to go to each time so the sales staff doesn't think you are a stalker. Your goal is not to buy anything but to do something your mother told you never to do. You are going to talk to strangers.

Plan your time.

If you want to get a date and learn to not be shy, get your calendar out. Write down the days you are taking up mall duty. If you don't plan this activity, it won't get done. Most of us avoid what is painful. Go out at least one hour per night, three times a week. Since you are a guy, it is best to start out talking to other guys who are strangers. Go to an electronics, computer, hardware, or sporting goods store. (For shy women, go to the beauty shop, women's clothing store, or department store that has housewares. You should start out talking to other women.)

Look for someone safe to talk to.

Scout the place for a friendly looking guy. Move to where he is and see what he is shopping for. Ask him about the product. Example: Do you know the best wrench, (shovel, hose, drill, generator) to buy? I don't know too much about them so how do you choose one?

Continue the conversation.

If the person is receptive, continue the conversation. The art of starting and following through with a conversation with someone you don't know is to ask a question, listen to the answer, and then respond to the answer with more than a "yes" or "no." What you are going to find is that most people love to talk about themselves, their family, their work, and their life. If anyone is rude or strange, move away and start over in another aisle or shop. Let nothing deter you.

Once you have mastered the art of starting conversations with guys, it is time to start working your way up to department stores where you will find older women shopping for housewares. Repeat the process until you feel comfortable with them.

You are now ready to start talking to women you are attracted to who may be closer to your age.

My shy woman client met a guy in a grocery store, they started talking in frozen foods, and they are still talking today. They got married.

Practice the above. You don't have to let your shyness rule your life. Good luck.

Alex

Visit https://www.loveawake.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our dating newsletter from master single's coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Alex Wise. Copyright 2009-2020, Alex Wise. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)

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